Words

Your words comfort me. Even when they're not comforting... I'm not sure why, but I always read them over and over. It's like I expect them to have changed or there to be more. It's never enough. I always want more. I feed off the little you write. Constantly checking to see if there's anything new. I don't really understand it... Maybe it's because it often tells me how your really feeling. It's you. The closest I can get to you anyways...

We talk almost everyday, but not really. It's empty words, meaningless conversations. We're both lying about half of the things we say, at least I know I am. It's pointless. When I read your writing though... It's like I can hear your voice. It's soothing and makes me feel like I'm actually talking to you, even though I'm not. But it sure feels closer than the nonsense we spew everyday. The words have so much more meaning.

Do you believe the things I portray? Do you think I'm happy? Maybe. I don't know. I am better. But happy? At times perhaps, but it's constantly fleeting as quick as it came.

My parents have been really worried about me lately. I've always hid it so well in the past. They can tell something's up with my eating though and my mom keeps asking me what's wrong. I just shut her out. I can see it in her eyes, that begging, but I won't talk to her. She talked about my old therapist a little the other day, hinting towards maybe going back. I don't want to. Not again. I'm okay.

I haven't cut in awhile, which is good I guess. But I've gotten really close. Cameron made me promise though that if he stayed clean I couldn't. But I'm pretty sure he messed up this weekend, so that's ever the more tempting...

I can't handle school anymore. It's more than the normal teenager "I hate school" thing. Senioritis maybe? But I think it's more than that too. I just can't handle it.

It also really sucks having no friends. I always have Cobair, but obviously her and Zack are constantly together and I'm not really up for third-wheeling all the time. She has been pretty good about making some time for just me every once in awhile though, and I don't think she quite realizes how much that means.

Then theres Alicia, but she's always with stupid Davis and Michelle, both of whom I hate. She's really not doing well and I hate it... It makes it really hard to be around her when I know she's lying to me about everything. I just wish she wouldn't give up her life and future for dumb assholes who always leave her heartbroken anyways. But like I always say, no one can be save unless they want to. She doesn't want to. I've tried so hard for years, but she won't let me help her.

There's a couple other people, but no one I really care to be with. None of them are you. They don't really act like true friends when it comes down to it either, so it's just not really worth it. It sucks being alone, but I think I'm getting used to it.

I think it's pretty obvious, but in case you're being dumb like you sometimes are haha, I want you to know I miss you. A lot. I truly hope you're doing well and that you're happy. And if not, I hope you get there real soon.

I don't know if you even read these, a part of me really hopes you don't, while the other part of me sort of hopes you do... But it really doesn't matter too much either way I s'pose. I just like feeling like I'm talking to you.

It goes without saying, but I'd like to say it anyways; I love you darling. Stay wonderful and be happy.