Closure

Closure is something I believe is very important in the end of a relationship. All the relationships I was never able to fully move on from was because I never felt like I got any kind of closure. Those times when you don't know why or it just kind of faded out, how do you move on from that? How do you accept that one day your relationship is so strong and slowly it starts to slip away and before you know it it's gone. Or when they end things and just don't tell you why. It's just over. How do you live with that? It eats you alive. Constantly wondering what you did or if they fell in love with someone else or if they just never really cared? Did they just get bored? You'll never know. In your mind it's just not truly over yet because there never really was an ending. It was just gone. So, here comes the best I can do. I wish you well in the rest of your life. I can't say I don't harbor some hard feelings, but there are also some smiles and good memories when I think about you. I truly hope you become all that you were meant to be and live a happy life. I may never really get much closure from you, but I think maybe that's a part of moving on and letting go of things... Learning to live without closure. There will always be those memories and things that flash through your mind like an old movie; Shared smiles, carefree laughs, maybe a hug or two and a kiss now and again. So maybe in the future when I see a little boy in a superman t-shirt and think of you, I'll play that sentimental little movie in my head and remember the good times we had. But for now it's time to forget those things. Time to stop letting them make me sad. It's time to let go.

Thank you for all you gave me old friend. Goodbye.


"She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let go."

I wrote you a poem,
But came back to find it lost.
I guess it's for the better,
But I just cannot move on.

I find our story is over now,
Despite my attempts to hold on.
I fear I must let you go,
Will you remember my simple song?

I think it's best if I just leave now,
We've been dragging this out too long.
A part of me has died,
Here comes that sad simple song.

"I hope you never forget me,
Or this strange little song.
It will continue to call out to you,
Long after you have gone."

Remember me my love,
And all our memories.
Cherish those good times,
When we would kiss and laugh and sing.

I guess there's nothing left to say,
Except a simple goodbye to you.
I love you forever and always,
I know you once loved me too.

Words

Your words comfort me. Even when they're not comforting... I'm not sure why, but I always read them over and over. It's like I expect them to have changed or there to be more. It's never enough. I always want more. I feed off the little you write. Constantly checking to see if there's anything new. I don't really understand it... Maybe it's because it often tells me how your really feeling. It's you. The closest I can get to you anyways...

We talk almost everyday, but not really. It's empty words, meaningless conversations. We're both lying about half of the things we say, at least I know I am. It's pointless. When I read your writing though... It's like I can hear your voice. It's soothing and makes me feel like I'm actually talking to you, even though I'm not. But it sure feels closer than the nonsense we spew everyday. The words have so much more meaning.

Do you believe the things I portray? Do you think I'm happy? Maybe. I don't know. I am better. But happy? At times perhaps, but it's constantly fleeting as quick as it came.

My parents have been really worried about me lately. I've always hid it so well in the past. They can tell something's up with my eating though and my mom keeps asking me what's wrong. I just shut her out. I can see it in her eyes, that begging, but I won't talk to her. She talked about my old therapist a little the other day, hinting towards maybe going back. I don't want to. Not again. I'm okay.

I haven't cut in awhile, which is good I guess. But I've gotten really close. Cameron made me promise though that if he stayed clean I couldn't. But I'm pretty sure he messed up this weekend, so that's ever the more tempting...

I can't handle school anymore. It's more than the normal teenager "I hate school" thing. Senioritis maybe? But I think it's more than that too. I just can't handle it.

It also really sucks having no friends. I always have Cobair, but obviously her and Zack are constantly together and I'm not really up for third-wheeling all the time. She has been pretty good about making some time for just me every once in awhile though, and I don't think she quite realizes how much that means.

Then theres Alicia, but she's always with stupid Davis and Michelle, both of whom I hate. She's really not doing well and I hate it... It makes it really hard to be around her when I know she's lying to me about everything. I just wish she wouldn't give up her life and future for dumb assholes who always leave her heartbroken anyways. But like I always say, no one can be save unless they want to. She doesn't want to. I've tried so hard for years, but she won't let me help her.

There's a couple other people, but no one I really care to be with. None of them are you. They don't really act like true friends when it comes down to it either, so it's just not really worth it. It sucks being alone, but I think I'm getting used to it.

I think it's pretty obvious, but in case you're being dumb like you sometimes are haha, I want you to know I miss you. A lot. I truly hope you're doing well and that you're happy. And if not, I hope you get there real soon.

I don't know if you even read these, a part of me really hopes you don't, while the other part of me sort of hopes you do... But it really doesn't matter too much either way I s'pose. I just like feeling like I'm talking to you.

It goes without saying, but I'd like to say it anyways; I love you darling. Stay wonderful and be happy.

Perfect

Just once I want to be good enough for someone. Whether it's my parents, other relatives, friends, guys I date, just anyone. It would just be nice to feel like - at least once - I'm not constantly letting everyone down. I'm sick of being me not being enough. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. Trust me, I wish I was. I carve that word into my skin over and over again hoping that maybe it will make me perfect somehow. But it doesn't. It just makes me ugly. I want so badly for people to realize that I have good intentions and that I really do try. But they don't. And even if they do it's not enough. Nothing is ever enough.

My prayer to you God is just to send me one person. Send me one person who I will be good enough for. Who doesn't expect so much of me and won't always end up let down. Send me, not just somebody who loves me no matter what, but someone who is always proud of me no matter what. Someone who knows I'm going to make mistakes, but chooses to forgive me and help me rather than get angry and disappointed. I just need one... Just one person who knows I will never be perfect and doesn't expect that of me. Someone who loves me anyways. Send me someone who I can be good enough for. Amen.

Dangerous

I'm getting bad again. Real bad. I don't trust myself. I'm scared of what I might do. I'm feeling dangerous. How far can a full tank of gas take you? No. I can't do that again. But I want to... And it's so tempting. But where would I go? I guess that's the beauty of it. I'll go wherever the road takes me. It sounds so nice... But they'd catch me again. They'd clip my wings so I couldn't leave anymore. They'd throw me back in therapy. I don't want to go back. But I'm not okay. I can't do life, I wasn't made right. And I've been told over and over again that the other option is selfish... But maybe it's my turn to be selfish. I'm feeling dangerous.

Red

It's been a long time since I've really thought about you. Not just had you cross my mind - because that's constant - but actually stopped and let myself think about you.

It's been happening more and more lately, because it always does when things start going downhill. When my depression or anorexia/bulimia or cutting gets bad, I remember how you were pretty much the only one who could help me. The only one who knew it all. So I've been letting you slip into my mind more and more, and not pushing you out.

I was reminiscing about that Valentine's Day... I remember feeling so bad, because I didn't get you anything. You walked in with that big red stuffed bear, holding a single red rose and a box of red skittles. I ran up to you, threw my arms around you and kissed you. Jessica was right there and she laughed, saying she told him I would like a single rose better than a bouquet. She always did like you when we were together... More than most (or maybe all) of the guys I've dated. She hates you now though. I can't even say your name without her getting upset.

Remember how when we first met, you told Rachel you wouldn't beat up anybody for her, but then I asked you if you would for me and you immediately said "of course"? I can still hear you saying it in my head the way you always did...

Do you remember when I slept over at your house? That was such a long night. You were so good about never letting things go to far. I don't know how you did it! You would think that out of all the guys I've dated/kissed, we would've gone the farthest. But we didn't even do anything... Funny how things work. Later that night I was throwing up and you took care of me. Then even later on, you got a migraine and I took care of you. Remember that?

Remember how I used to find shapes and things in the ceiling? You never could see them. You would always laugh at me. Ohh god I miss you're laugh... The way you would laugh and say, "Chelsi, you're so cute! Awhh." I can hear it all perfectly.

Remember the poem I wrote for you? It's still one of my favorites. I've never let anybody read/hear it but you. Do you remember? So many memories, just for one person. All so bittersweet (a couple just bitter)... I hope you remember.

I always wonder if you ever think about me. There are certain guys I know don't think about me anymore, and certain guys I know still do. But I never know with you... For all I know you could have completely forgotten me because of all the drugs. Or at least got our story all twisted like you always did. I'm all wrong inside your head, aren't I? I wish you could remember like I do, but I know you don't.

So tonight, I will sleep with that big red stuffed bear and dream of you again, like I always do when I don't stop myself from thinking of you. I will probably wake up crying, but it will be worth it. Because in my dreams, at least for those few short hours, everything is right again. We're together and you're sober and we're happy. My family still loves you and yours me of course. You sing to me and play the guitar. You hold my hand when you drive and you're wearing your favorite hat like always. You kiss me and it is the sweetest kiss I've ever had. You love me again and I will always love you...

So tonight, dream of me too my love. Remember all these things. Remember us, if only just for tonight. Remember me.


"And when you close your tired eyes, I'll meet you there."

Ultimatum

I've been clinging on to this hope that you don't want things to be over either. I like to think that you meant it when you said forever. But I can't afford to think like that anymore. I can't live this way. Half still believing things will work out with us, half trying to move on. It's tearing me apart.

So I'm giving you an ultimatum. You have until midnight tonight to decide if you still want me in your life. If I haven't heard from you by then, I will let go. Completely.

I will let you be free and realize that we just weren't meant to be. I will let go of that dream, which I thought was a reality, of waking up next to you everyday. I will let go the fact that you just don't love me. Because I can't carry all this anymore. I can't keep trying to live two different lives.

I have learned that I need to let go of the things I cannot control. So time for the truth. Were you ever really mine? Come back to me love. I understand if you can't or don't want to. I understand if you moved on. I understand if you don't love me anymore or never did. But understand that I can't wait forever, and I won't.

I love you. Here's your ultimatum. What do you want?



Did you mean it?

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Wait.... What?

I search for a sign of you. Anywhere, everywhere. Telling me things can be different. But I will never find that, because you don't believe it, do you? No, I'm afraid not.

I do see you everywhere though. I go to play with Sadie in her room, but it's hard when I see you sitting there with me. Being so unbelievably cute with her. So I play for a minute, but then I go to watch tv.

I see you sitting next to me on the couch 100 different times, 100 different ways, 100 different movies or tv shows. So I turn around and walk back out.

I see you and Zack sitting on the counter laughing and talking, occasionally looking over at me and Cobair dancing around the room like that night would never end. But it did, as all nights do. Like we did. And I suppose as everything does.

I go sit in the living room, next to the piano, and wait for you to start playing. I wait and wait, and I can almost hear it! So close... But then it's gone. Never truly there. Another one of the cruel tricks of my mind.

I go in the kitchen to try and eat something, but I remember the time you were so impatient to get out of there. You ate a piece of cheese and I ate a pickle in return. Then I tried to get you to eat that 'peanut butter' and you wouldn't, which I still think was a big mistake on your part! We blasted "Your Song" and both sang along. I can't go in there now, I can't eat.

Anytime one of my siblings invites me to get in the hot tub I say no, 'cause I remember that too. Remember how I lost my gum? Haha I still never found it... That was the first time I ever kissed someone under water. Let's be honest, it was weird. But now I can check it off my bucket list! At the time I was really glad it was with you, but now I'm not so sure. Because now I can never do that with anyone else, that's always yours. And now when people makes jokes about doing it, it will just hurt.

So I get in my car and go for a drive, trying to get lost, trying to get away. I think of the time I let you drive and watched from the passenger seat, clenching my fists and holding my breath. Did I not trust you? I don't know. I always thought I did... But maybe not. And maybe you didn't trust me either? Maybe that was the problem...

I come back home, because even everywhere I drive, memories of you follow. They find me every place I go. I envy you and how you can get so far away. Everywhere you are, my memory has left untainted. I can't even walk around my own damn house without memories of you everywhere. I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try. There is at least one memory seemingly everywhere I can go.

I go lay in my bed, but that hurts worst of all. Because there lay the memories I've started to regret. Things I wish I'd never let you do, things I wish I'd never let you see... But it doesn't matter now, because I did. Now there's really nothing I can do except wish... And I'll be the first one to tell you now that wishing does nothing. It's empty. Like a promise left unkept.

My family is talking about going up to Bear Lake for Christmas, but I don't think I'll be able to handle that. You are the only guy I have ever taken up there... I can't imagine how that is going to hurt. Even my home away from home is painted with all the memories of you.

The only place I can find left untainted, untouched by you, is Challis's room. So I go in there sometimes. I lay on his bed to escape. But it's getting harder and harder, because now that room is almost filled the most. I've taken all of the memories in there with me. They're written all over the walls, hiding under the bed, painted on the ceiling, covering the floor, spilling out of the closet. More constantly come flying through the door and creeping in the window every time I'm there. So now when I go in there, I just cry. I keep the door closed, so none will escape while I'm gone. Because a part of me doesn't want them to go... So there they stay. But I shut that room up tight, and I shun it. I stay away for as long as I can. Then when everything gets to be too much, I go there and immerse myself in everything. I cry and I miss you. But once I go out, I leave it all behind. It stays in there like my dark little secret. And there I'm afraid, it will always stay.

You always thought I never let you in enough, but do you realize now? I let you in more than I ever have anybody, in my entire life. I took you all the places that I loved, introduced you to all the people who meant the most to me, shared my sacred memories and secret stories with you, and showed you all the things that make me, me. I let you drive my car for heavens sake! I think you thought I was joking or something, but I don't let people drive my car. Ever. You don't understand how big a lot of the things I told/showed/let you do meant. You thought I didn't let you in enough, but evidently, I let you in way too much. I let all my walls down, just like you knew I would. I gave you my heart, just like you knew I would. And now you're walking away, just like I knew you would... You promised me forever, and I truly thought you meant it. Maybe you did at some point. But things change. People change... I guess I can't be upset with you for that.

I think you're right when you say you tried to convince yourself of something. I think you tried to convince yourself, like you convinced me, that you loved me. I think you wanted to, but I don't think you ever really did. And that's okay... Because I always knew you never could. I'm not upset with you. I mean, there's a small part of me that is when I get angry, but I know deep down I'm not upset with you. I'm only upset with myself and the situation. Just know that. I don't hate you, I love you. Don't forget it please. Because even when I get angry, it will never change. I might start to build up those cold, hard stone walls again, and then you might start to think I feel differently. But know that inside of all of those walls is my heart, loving and missing you. Always.

Well you've made your choice, you've said goodbye. I won't fight you on that. My heart is begging me to, but I won't. Not because I don't want to, but because I once heard that "If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; If they don't, they never were." When this first happened, I thought we would fix it pretty quickly. But we didn't. Then the quote came to my mind, "It's not that we're not meant to be together, maybe we're just not ready for forever." But I'm not sure now that that's right either... I wish, but as previously stated, wishing does nothing. I think now that you probably won't come back. I don't think you were ever really mine. My heart whispers I'm wrong, but my head knows I'm right. Just know this isn't the way I wanted it, but I will respect your decision and be happy for you. Just don't forget me my uh-oh oreo, and remember that I'm always here waiting.

You've said your goodbyes, so now I'll say mine. Thank you for the memories. They hurt now, a lot... And part of me doesn't want them. You always made me promise that no matter what happened, I would never forget you. It was easy to make that promise when I didn't think you'd ever be gone. It's harder now to not want to... But it doesn't matter, because like I always said, I never could forget you even if I tried. And someday, I'm sure, these memories will make me happy. Someday I will look back on them and laugh and smile. And one thing I know for sure is that I will learn from them. So, thank you. Thank you for the laughs and smiles. Thank you for the hugs and kisses. Thank you for the music. Thank you for treating me well. Thank you for all the wonderful things. I love you so much, I cannot even begin to express it to you. I won't try either, because it doesn't matter much now. But just know. Know that I love you, to the moon and back. Goodbye my darling.

So did they? Did they both live happily ever after? Of course. Not now, not tomorrow, and to her dismay, not together. But someday, somehow, with someone - They lived happily ever after. The end.

Don't wake me up.

My Darling,

Today was really hard. I almost went to church today just to see you, but I knew that wasn't a good idea. Plus I had a farewell later so I was already going to church. Before all this happened I was going to see if you wanted to come with me, so that was hard too... I got to sleep in though! Which you know I love. And it's especially nice now, because the less time I spend awake, the less I feel.

A couple of my friends at the farewell asked about you (not knowing what happened) and it was really awkward. I couldn't talk without crying. Thank God Jessica was there to explain so I didn't have to... She's been a huge help with all of this. Always is. I don't know what I'd do without her! You know how close we are. But anyways... When people weren't asking about you I was able to push you to the back of my mind for a bit, and to be honest? It was nice! Thinking about you constantly drains me to the point where I can't take it anymore and I breakdown. I HAVE to push you out for bits at a time or I lose it. It's hard though, and you don't stay away for long...

Anyways, I hadn't seen some of those people in a really long time so that was fun. I talked to Cameron again! We've been talking more and more often and it's kind of nice. I didn't realize how much I missed him. He was my only and best friend at school for a year, so it was tough on me losing him. I can tell he stills feels bad about what happened, so things are still awkward between us... But it's nice to see him and hear how well he's doing! Karly showed up though, and that just immediately pissed me off. She started trying to talk to me and I just wanted to slap her haha. Ughh Dolly was there too and she kept giving me the dirtiest looks and whispering about me. I don't know if you remember who any of them are, but I've told you about them before. I'm just so glad they all left and I don't have to deal with them at school anymore. It was nice to talk music with Ben for awhile, but Ellie kept being annoying like she always is. Overall I'm glad I went though (:

After that Jess and I drove up to get Chaz. It was his birthday today! Freaking 21. So crazy... He was super excited to see us and to come home and see everyone else (and of course he asked about you too). We had a party with all the extended family for him (: It was really fun and good to see everyone - but once again - my whole family kept asking about you. I can't stress how grateful I am that Jessica has been there for literally every person that has asked, because if I open my mouth there is no stopping it. The tears just pour. It's really embarrassing... Especially when my grandma was asking about it. She didn't seem to be getting the hint either and just kept asking questions/talking about it. It was really awful... Thankfully my mom noticed and stepped in.

Eventually everyone left and there was finally some peace! (At least as peaceful as it ever gets at my house). Challis stayed for a little bit and then my dad took him back. It was really nice to hang out with him for a bit. He is looking healthier than he has in as long as I can remember. I'm so proud of him! You knew how hard things with him were on me... And thankfully he's doing amazing right now. I hope he sticks with it.

After he left my mom, Jess and I all watched the new Once Upon A Time! It was way intense. I still think you'd love it. It reminded me of all the movies/shows we said we'd watch that we never did... I hope maybe someday we get the chance. I suppose only time will tell.

I asked Zack to find out when you left for me, and when he told me you already had, that you left without saying goodbye... I was heartbroken (if that's even still possible). I understood though. I just had wanted to talk to you so badly and considered coming down to your house, but it was too late. I missed my opportunity. Fate? I don't know. Perhaps.

I've been on all my social networking sites all throughout the day, as I'm sure you've noticed, and that's been hard as well. Everything I see, all the posts/tweets I read remind me of you in some little way. Whether its something I think you'd laugh at, or some cute love quote (or all the sad, depressing ones for that matter), or really just anything - I find some way to relate it back to you. It's also really hard seeing things you tweet/favorite, because I just never know. Are they for me? What did you mean by them? I probably just read too much into it all, but it's hard thinking they might not be for me or that they are, but in a bad way. *Sighs* I don't know. Whatever. I also saw the post that girl tagged you in on Facebook, which was probably the hardest of all... Seeing all those people that get to be with you when I can't. Seeing them make you happy like I don't. Seeing that you were with that dumb girl... It hurts and it was just really hard. It's all hard. Everything is just so damn hard... I'm happy for you though, despite what it may seem. It hurts me, but I do want you to be happy and have fun. I just wish it was with me...

I almost called you today, multiple times. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. I don't know if you want to hear from me, I wouldn't if I were you. And there's a part of me that's still angry... A part of me that still believes all the things I said before. And that part won't let me come back. It won't let me risk the hurt again. It can't take anymore of being "comedic relief." So I'm torn. I don't know how I feel about you and I don't know how you feel about me. There's a part of me that's saying "Of course he loves you! He said he did, right? Trust him. He means it. He cares about you." But those voices are drowned out by stronger ones. I try to push them out sweetheart, but I can't. And I'm so worried they're right... "You're ugly. You're fat. You're worthless. He never loved you. He never could love you. No one could ever love you." Those voices suffocate me, and I can't find the words I would say or the breath I would use to talk to you. So I don't. I get on Facebook instead. I tweet something sad. I pin depressing things. I listen to Red by Taylor Swift, which is perfect for me right now. I edit a picture or two. I do all these things until I forget that desire of wanting to talk to you and make things right. I let the voices in and they crush my fragile strength. I become angry again and I become upset with you. I hate it, but I'm not strong enough to find another way.

I just don't know what to believe... Those voices, they're being quiet right now. I'm fighting real hard against them. I want to believe you love me. And for a moment... Maybe I do. But even in saying that they grow stronger. "You're giving in" they say, "Do you want to look like a fool again? He does not love you. He never did. He never could. No one loves you."

So now, as I lay in my ('freaking tiny') bed writing to you, I am torn. Torn between two me's and two you's. I don't know who I am and I don't know who you are. I don't know how to feel or what to believe. I'm just so torn and faded, like an old book. No wonder it's so hard to figure out. Too torn and faded to read anymore... Maybe someday I'll figure all this out. But for now, I think that is all I have to say to you.

I don't know if you even read these anymore, but it doesn't really matter. Writing to you helps me cope, regardless of whether or not you actually see it. I hope you're happy and I hope you know I love you. I miss you so much.

With all of my love,

Your Princess - Chelsi James<3

No Word

There is no word. Not to describe the way I'm feeling. I think the closest I can come is tired. I'm so tired of crying. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of being sick all the time. I'm tired of things not going right. I'm tired of missing all the ones who've left. I'm tired of living half alive (if you can even call it that). I'm tired of having to force myself to eat and keep it down. I'm tired of having to concentrate on breathing when I know it should come naturally. I'm tired of feeling ugly and fat. I'm tired of not being the person I should have been, the person I know I can be. I'm tired of not living up to expectations and I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of messing up and and just tired of not being perfect. I'm tired of wishing I was somewhere else, I'm tired of wishing I was someone else. I'm tired of these closed, colorless scars. I'm tired of when people don't care and I'm tired of when they do. I'm tired of pushing away the people I need. I'm tired of trying to do this on my own and I'm tired of asking for help. I'm tired of hurting others and I'm tired of feeling hurt. I'm tired of never knowing what I do or say. I'm tired of not being happy, I'm tired of being broken. I'm just so damn tired of being tired.

I don't sleep. I don't eat. I hardly even remember how to breathe. I cry. I hurt. God let me be numb.

Remember when I had everyone fooled? Not this time. No more walls. My scars are open for the world to see.

Naive Orleans: Act 2, Scene 1

Understand. I can't. For the life of me I just can't even begin to understand. Why this happened and how you could do this to me. I don't think I'll ever know.

You say things that should comfort me and maybe would if things were different. But you've said a lot of things... And I should have learned sooner not to trust you, not to believe you.

It just hurts to think about at all. Sometimes I can push you to the back of my mind for a bit, and it's nice. But you're never gone... And the simplest things will bring you screaming back to the center of my brain. And then it overwhelms me. I try to push you back again, but I can't. You are too strong for me. I am so weak...

The things you said, all those promises, they mock me. They laugh at me for falling for it, again and again and again. The tears start to flow. I used to never cry. Not about my own life anyway. Always in movies and books, but about me? About a BOY? Never. And those rare times I did, it was always in private. Like a secret no one could ever know. But now I can't hold back in front of anyone. Your own brother saw me lose it. It's humiliating.

How did you do this to me? Why did you do this to me... I've never been this way, not even with him. I never thought anyone could ever hurt me as much as he did - let alone more - but I guess I can thank you for proving that wrong! That is a damn impressive accomplishment.

I guess I was just too busy protecting you to protect myself. Too busy falling more and more in love with you to notice you falling out of love with me. I wish I hadn't been so blind.

I put up walls and I act tough, but you saw right through it. I wonder what you were thinking? "Ohh this girl pretends to be tough, but she's obviously not. She has all these walls up that she thinks can protect her. How absurd. *lightbulb* I have an idea! Wouldn't it be fun to climb them, make her believe in me, and then knock them down and walk away? She won't have any walls left to protect her and I'll be gone. No more tough act. She will have surrendered her heart by then and I shall take it as my prize. Yes, this should be fun." I imagine that's something how it must have gone.

Well sir, you had your audience believing! Believing like they never had. Take a bow for a job well done. Very convincing act. I would tip you, but I really don't have anything left to give. Did you have fun? I sure hope so. I wouldn't want this to have been in vain...

I really enjoyed the show when I thought I was in the rest of the play, but then I realized I was just in one scene. Comedic relief perhaps? Something like that. Well I hope they're laughing. I hope you're laughing. I hope I did my job as well as you did. Standing ovation!

No one has ever made me feel beautiful or like I was worth something like you. I never believed them before. Aren't you supposed to get smarter as you go along? Obviously I didn't. Or maybe you are just extremely talented.

You sanded off my edges. Now I'm left alone and vulnerable... All my walls knocked down and no one to protect me. Shot down lower even than before. How naive of me to believe you, to believe I was beautiful and worth something. The voices in my head chime in; "Of course you're not, silly girl. We've told you all along. Why would you ever listen to him? We told you not to believe him. Stupid girl. Now do you wish you would have listened to us? Don't let anyone tell you you are beautiful. Don't let anyone make you think you have a purpose. You don't. Naive little child." As the tears roll down I nod my head and silently swear to myself to never let this happen again. I surrender to the voices.

Well I'll tell you what, gig's up. I figured it out! I'm done. I'm not sticking around anymore, so stop trying. I'm done being your comedic relief... I wish you wouldn't act like I'm stupid. I know I was, but I finally caught on. I realize it took me long enough - but now that I have - I'm not falling for it anymore. So you can just stop pretending... Your audience is no longer listening.

This scene is over. It was nice to meet the rest of the cast and there are memories I will always cherish from our scene. But I don't think I can stay to watch the ending, because there are also scars that will never go away from it.

So my dear, this is where we both start our next scenes. Like intersecting lines. To cross paths once, but never again meet. I hope the rest of your play is filled with much laughter and happiness. And I hope it ends well, something like a fairy tale. Goodbye my darling.

I Know

"Love never fails." Nice words, comforting. The kind of thing people like to hear and believe. But you know what? I call bullshit. Because for all the times I 'should've known better,' I do now. I know enough. I know this.

Void

Empty. People always say that they'd rather feel something than nothing at all. I disagree. Please God, let me be empty. I don't wanna feel this anymore. No more tears or I shall simply shrivel right up. Empty.

There's too much to say, there's nothing to say. I don't know.

Not For Me

Here's the thing...
I still wish for you. Every "star light, star bright, first star I see tonight." Every 11:11 and 12:34. Every star that shoots across the night sky. It has always been you and it always will be. “Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”

“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.” But I don't believe in that stuff anymore. See you never came. Never took me away to a place where my troubles were out of sight. I would look out my window every night and start that wishful wishing. I knew just where to look, too! Second star to the right. I would gaze at it until bedtime, hoping you heard my wish. Just wanting you to take me far, far away. But you never did. You never came. Why did you not? It's all I ever wanted. Just to go away with you, to have adventures. I wanted to fight pirates and meet mermaids, make friends with Indians and fly with pixie dust and happy thoughts! I wanted you to steal away my kiss; my one kiss just for you. I didn't ever want to grow up. I believed in you. But you let me down... You never came. Not for me.

It's a mean, bad world here. I don't like it at all. It feels cold, dark. It's deprived of the warmth and light in which I believe Neverland must be filled. “All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” But not my world. There's bad things everywhere; evil consumes my world. But you figured all this out early, didn't you? That's why you left. “Oh, the cleverness of me!” I wonder if that's why it's called Neverland? Because I will never get to go... I could have, but you never came. You knew how horrible growing up would be. How terrible this world was, and how much worse even it would come to be. So why didn't you come save me? I begged and pleaded every night... But you never came. You are a very selfish boy, making me grow up here all on my own. Why did you think you could keep it to yourself? Why did you leave me here, so lost and alone. You never came. Not for me.

Thing is...
“All children, except one, grow up.” I guess this means I have to grow up now. I don't want to. It's scary and it's hard. But I don't think I have a choice. Growing up is just... Well, it's just not nice. I don't think I'm doing it quite right, or well. I think I would still like to come with you, if only you would come for me. Won't you? Ohh please, please come. I simply cannot bear to grow up anymore... It hurts. I don't like it at all and I am simply no good at it. I still wish for you, you know. But you'll never come. Not for me. But as you know, “Never is an awfully long time.” Maybe not never after all. Maybe someday. Perhaps someday you will come... Until then. “You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”



"Second star to the right and straight on till morning."

Alexithymia

Here's the thing...
I have it. I don't know how to express to you my thoughts and feelings. Alexithymia: Difficulty in describing feelings or emotions to other people.
How do I tell you? How to let you know? All my jumbled thoughts collide. Let me try to explain.

"Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow." I just don't know how much more I can take. Everyday is the same old gray. It seems like everytime things start to go well for me, I find ways to screw it up. It's like I don't want to be happy. "Don't believe anything you say anymore." I want to. I wish I could. I wish I could believe you when you say things get better, when you tell me things will be alright. When you say I'm good for something, or that I'm worth it. I wish I believed you when you tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me. "It's alarming how loud the silence screams no warning." Do you hear me screaming? Trying to warn you? It's oh so loud. You don't, do you? I try, but it never seems to get through. My screams of silent warnings go unheard, wasted. "Conversate to the sounds, to the sounds of a record player - with it's jumping needle and the lights that grow dim over time." We talk and we listen. We sing and we laugh. But how long will that last? Will the lights inside us grow dim? I'm afraid so. How do we keep them bright? I just don't know... "Are you where you thought you'd be? So beautiful and only twenty-three." I'm not. Not even close. Are you? What makes you think we ever will be? Will we ever get there, individually or together? Time will tell. "Opposition rests in the hearts with no opportunity." There is always that opposition inside of me... It leaves no room for us. The contrast of what is right and what is wrong; what I should do and what I want. It pushes you out, giving us no opportunity to progress. "It's not that we don't talk, it's just no one really listens and honesty fades." It feels empty, meaningless. It has become a routine. I feel like there is a gap. There is something there, separating us. Maybe it's me. My jealousy or my thoughts that carry themselves far away. I worry about the things you don't tell me. I let my mind wander and think of all the worst things. Is it lying if I simply don't tell you? What don't you tell me? I let all these little things get to me... These voices whisper ideas into my head. They consume my mind and control my thoughts. They create this divide. My jumbled mind. I don't know anything anymore. Head this warning.

Thing is...
"With downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive." Simply stated, beautifully said. Are we living or are we dead? Barely alive, I fear for you. What is the difference between the two? With my eyes cast down, I choose to survive. Ever and always - barely alive.

Have You Ever?

Here's the thing...
I'm not strong enough. I can't do this. I can't do anything... Not without you.

Have you ever literally felt an ache in your chest when you're heartbroken? Ever constantly had that lump in your throat that you just can't swallow? What about tears, always threatening to fall at any given moment? How about pain seeping through every part of you? Continually hoping that when you fall asleep, you might not wake up? Forever wanting to fill that void, but not being able to? That feeling when nothing seems right, where everything is twisted? The blackness that fills your soul and ice that coats your heart? That constant reminder that you know what you could do to make everything okay, but you can't find it in yourself?

Thing is...
I have. I do. I can't shake this feeling that it's not going to be okay this time, everything is not going to be alright. I need you to tell me it is... Is it?

"Tell me everything will be alright. Walk this way with me into the night. 'Cause you can let it slide, baby just for tonight. Just know that everyone feels broken sometimes."

Contradictions

Here's the thing...
I don't know what to think. I'm constantly contradicting myself when it comes to you. Everything goes both ways. Is it up or down? Right or left? Backwards or forwards? In or out? Bottom or top? Everything is mixed, my head a jumbled mess. I don't even know what I want anymore...

I am afraid you will move on, and I am scared you will not. I am scared you will quit missing me, and I am frightened you cannot. I am frightened you will forget me, and I am nervous you do not want to. I am nervous you do not ever think about me, and I am worried you do. I am worried you are hurting without me, and I am concerned you are not. I am concerned you will let go, and I am distraught you never will. I am distraught thinking I am not right for you, and I am terrified thinking I could be. I am terrified you will stop loving me, and I am so afraid you always will.

Thing is...
I'm confused and I don't know what to do... Here are the few things I know: I will not move on, I cannot quit missing you, I do not ever want to forget you, I think about you constantly, I am hurting without you, I will never let go, you are right for me, and I love you so very much - and I always will. What to do with all that is where things become a blur, a puzzle with no picture... Should I let you move on and miss someone else? Should I make you forget and stop thinking about me? Should I let someone else heal the hurt? Should I let you let go and find the one that's right for you? If I love you... Should I let you be free to love someone else? I want you to be happy; that is one thing I know for certain.

Fooled

Here's the thing...
I'm doing fine without you. I don't even miss you too much! I smile and I laugh everyday. I don't cry and I don't think about you too often. I think I'm doing better off even than I was when I was with you, I think this was good for me. I really don't need you like I thought I did... Do I have you fooled?

I seem to have everyone else tricked. But you do know me quite well... You could always tell I was upset, even when I was trying to hide it. Always caught me when I was not quite telling the truth, when I wasn't quite okay like I'd try to make you believe. I'd like to think you know I'm faking... But do you? Is it obvious, even now? I wonder if you've forgotten. See I think I must be pretty good at this, acting and such, because I have even the people who know me best deceived. They don't see the sadness in my eyes, they see the false smile I tend to put on in these times. They don't hear me cry, they hear that empty sound they call laughter. They don't sense my pain, they sense the happiness that really isn't anywhere to be found now. Sometimes I wonder if they only perceive the things they want... I think they must. That's how people are I've decided. As individuals, we are rather ignorant. We like to only see select things - whether it's the good or the bad. I think you want to believe that I'm happy without you, because you have a mind like mine. We tend to almost want the things that hurt us and make us upset. The life of a pessimist I suppose... But you should know better. You should know by now that I need you. Do you?

Thing is...
I'm not doing okay without you. I miss you more than I could ever explain! My smile is insincere and my laughter hollow. I cry all the time and I think about you constantly. I'm so lost without you, this was the worst thing that could have happened. I need you more than I ever even realized... Did I have you fooled?

"If you believed when I said I'd be better off without you, then you never really knew me at all. If you believed when I said that I wouldn't be thinking about you, you thought you knew the truth but you're wrong."

Forgotten, Not Forgiven

Here's the thing...
I messed up. Big time. I don't want to try to work it out, because I don't want to have to even tell you. I'm scared... I'm scared that you'll be upset and I'm scared it will hurt you. I'm scared that you'll give up and I'm scared you'll walk away. But most of all, I'm scared you won't... I'm scared you'll forgive me and I'm scared you'll choose to stay. And that would be the worst thing of all - because I know I don't deserve it, and I know I don't deserve you.


"There is nothing left to say to you that you wanna hear, that you wanna know. I think I should go - the things I've done are way to shameful..."

"It was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time - didn't I my dear? Didn't I my dear..."

"You do not know how much this hurts me to say these things that I don't want to say, but have to say them anyway. I would do anything to end your suffering."


Thing is...
I don't believe it's as big of a deal as I feel like it is, as I'm making it out to be. The problem is what if it happens again? What if I do something worse? I don't ever want to hurt you. But thing is I just don't know how not to...


"Promise me you'll forget me," she said as she walked away, "Don't hold on, please... Let go of me. You make it so hard to leave."

"I told you not to fall in love with me."


You can do better. We both know that, and so does everybody else. Please do... Please never settle for less than you are capable of, because you are capable of incredible things. You deserve someone great - someone so much greater than me. Find her and be happy. I love you.

Do You Know Who You Are?

Here's the thing...
I'm addicted to you. I have been ever since we first met, and I don't think I'll ever be rid of you. I crave you - even when I know it's not healthy, when I know you're no good for me. I can't get enough. I want to be done - I do. But I just can't. No matter where I go, I cannot escape your grasp on my mind, my body, my heart and my soul.... Always haunting me. Always there. But you already know all this, don't you?

I dreamt of you again last night. I do all the time you know... It's somewhere in between my worst dreams and a kind of wonderful nightmare. I hate it. I hate you. I want nothing more than to let you go and move on, but every time I feel like I have - you come back to find me. You can't leave me be, can you? I rarely ever dream, you knew that. But it's almost like you found a way to use that against me. Now... Now, I dream quite often... Always of you. I scream and I cry wanting to get away, trying not to let you hurt me again, but I can't. I can't find it in myself to be happy without you. Even though I know how much easier life would be... I just can't seem to rid my mind of you and all the wonderful things about you. That feeling you give me... It's really not fair you know, because I have always been amazing for you. I am the best I've ever been and ever will be with you; you make me that way. You make me the happiest I've ever been, make me feel like I could fly. But you've been terrible to me, every time. You start out making me so very happy, but then when I start to trust you again - start believe it could work this time... You break me down. Bringing me to my lowest. To a point where I make crying a part of my daily routine. To a point where I don't think I'll ever get back up again. Always making me feel like I'm not, and never was, good enough. You make me feel like a whore. Like everything I've done before or after you is wrong. You take me to a place where sleep becomes my worst enemy, because I know that's where you'll find me. I lay awake at night and shake at the thought of seeing you and falling back into those memories in my dreams, or nightmares rather. Why can't you leave me be? Why can't I let you go? I have to get away, have to be free. Haven't I?

Thing is...
You play all these sick games with me, but I need you. From top to bottom - you're what I'm made of. Every bit of me is filled with you. I need you to simply survive. I hate you because of what you've done to me in the past, but it only has to go right one time... Doesn't it? It may not have worked out with us before, because you've never fully given yourself over to me, I've never felt the full extent of what you are and how you can make me feel. But I suppose that maybe you're trying to teach me something... I think you are. With everyone that you've brought with you, everyone you've accompanied into my life - I've learnt a lesson. You are a good teacher, you know. A cruel, bitter one. But a good one, nonetheless. I owe most all of my memories to you. Both happy and sad, the best and the worst. And I think I must thank you for that. I believe one day.... One day we will find our place in this world, you and I. But you already know all this, don't you?



Do you know who you are?

Such a simple name, for something so complex. Just four letters, for so many emotions and feelings.
You are Love. But you already know all this, don't you?

Awaiting

Here's the thing...
I simply cannot stop thinking about you. I miss you an awful lot, and I often wonder if you miss me as well? Missing me as much as I miss you would be impossible you see, but... You DO miss me... Don't you? I suppose missing you is natural. Think of all the wonderful things there are to miss! Things... Things like this -

Until I see him again, here will I await. Await for his embrace. Await for his playful laughter filling my ears and hands squeezing mine tight. Await the chance I get to hold his pinky in my small hands, making me feel vulnerable - like a child, yet safe and secure. Protected. Await hearing that voice, so soothing and melodic, telling me all sorts of fine things - like I imagine they do in the books and movies. Await being held in his arms with the scent of him making me feel at home again. Await for his warm, soft lips to press against mine, ever so sweetly; always leaving me a bit out of breath. Await to see that smile which makes me melt and leaves me speechless, along with that face which fills me to the brim with warmth and happiness - just like a nice blanket and a hot cup of apple cider in the dead of winter. Here will I await to once again hear that heart which I know beats for me, as does mine for him. (Like those fancy new pillows they have!) And when I see that boy again - that boy who is my world, that boy who holds my fragile heart in his gentle hands - I will be done awaiting. For he will be here... And we will be happy together and do all sorts of wonderful things worth doing, and perhaps some not. It will be perfect, because every moment spent with him is. But until that time, here I will stay; awaiting that day. Simply awaiting.

Thing is...
I'm here. Awaiting. Where are you? Won't you come home to me... Isn't it time? Every second away from you is much too long. I don't like being away from you at all. I need you now. But that should really come as no surprise, because I need you always. Are you ready now? I'm here. Awaiting. Where are you? Won't you come home to me...

I Was Just Thinking

So here's the thing...
I've recently been pressured into starting a blog because of my supposed "writing skills". Let me assure you - they are non-existent. But in reality, that's not what blogs are for. Talented writers, I mean. They are for anyone and everyone. They are for expressing feelings, sharing thoughts and ideas, showing the world what really goes on inside that head of yours, and mostly? For whatever you want them to be. A blog, in its own way, is how we wear our hearts on our sleeves. We let the world see a vulnerable side of us that we don't always show. Our deepest thoughts, inner-most feelings, strange views and hidden experiences go on to a place like this. A place where we can be known, yet unknown. Where we can open up, without risking too much. We share with the world who we really are, in hopes that we will be accepted and that people will relate to and possibly learn from us. Thinking about all this has given me the desire to, yes, start my own blog - despite my unqualified experience.

Thing is...
This is my blog. This is who I am. And I'm ready to show you.