Closure

Closure is something I believe is very important in the end of a relationship. All the relationships I was never able to fully move on from was because I never felt like I got any kind of closure. Those times when you don't know why or it just kind of faded out, how do you move on from that? How do you accept that one day your relationship is so strong and slowly it starts to slip away and before you know it it's gone. Or when they end things and just don't tell you why. It's just over. How do you live with that? It eats you alive. Constantly wondering what you did or if they fell in love with someone else or if they just never really cared? Did they just get bored? You'll never know. In your mind it's just not truly over yet because there never really was an ending. It was just gone. So, here comes the best I can do. I wish you well in the rest of your life. I can't say I don't harbor some hard feelings, but there are also some smiles and good memories when I think about you. I truly hope you become all that you were meant to be and live a happy life. I may never really get much closure from you, but I think maybe that's a part of moving on and letting go of things... Learning to live without closure. There will always be those memories and things that flash through your mind like an old movie; Shared smiles, carefree laughs, maybe a hug or two and a kiss now and again. So maybe in the future when I see a little boy in a superman t-shirt and think of you, I'll play that sentimental little movie in my head and remember the good times we had. But for now it's time to forget those things. Time to stop letting them make me sad. It's time to let go.

Thank you for all you gave me old friend. Goodbye.


"She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let go."

I wrote you a poem,
But came back to find it lost.
I guess it's for the better,
But I just cannot move on.

I find our story is over now,
Despite my attempts to hold on.
I fear I must let you go,
Will you remember my simple song?

I think it's best if I just leave now,
We've been dragging this out too long.
A part of me has died,
Here comes that sad simple song.

"I hope you never forget me,
Or this strange little song.
It will continue to call out to you,
Long after you have gone."

Remember me my love,
And all our memories.
Cherish those good times,
When we would kiss and laugh and sing.

I guess there's nothing left to say,
Except a simple goodbye to you.
I love you forever and always,
I know you once loved me too.

Words

Your words comfort me. Even when they're not comforting... I'm not sure why, but I always read them over and over. It's like I expect them to have changed or there to be more. It's never enough. I always want more. I feed off the little you write. Constantly checking to see if there's anything new. I don't really understand it... Maybe it's because it often tells me how your really feeling. It's you. The closest I can get to you anyways...

We talk almost everyday, but not really. It's empty words, meaningless conversations. We're both lying about half of the things we say, at least I know I am. It's pointless. When I read your writing though... It's like I can hear your voice. It's soothing and makes me feel like I'm actually talking to you, even though I'm not. But it sure feels closer than the nonsense we spew everyday. The words have so much more meaning.

Do you believe the things I portray? Do you think I'm happy? Maybe. I don't know. I am better. But happy? At times perhaps, but it's constantly fleeting as quick as it came.

My parents have been really worried about me lately. I've always hid it so well in the past. They can tell something's up with my eating though and my mom keeps asking me what's wrong. I just shut her out. I can see it in her eyes, that begging, but I won't talk to her. She talked about my old therapist a little the other day, hinting towards maybe going back. I don't want to. Not again. I'm okay.

I haven't cut in awhile, which is good I guess. But I've gotten really close. Cameron made me promise though that if he stayed clean I couldn't. But I'm pretty sure he messed up this weekend, so that's ever the more tempting...

I can't handle school anymore. It's more than the normal teenager "I hate school" thing. Senioritis maybe? But I think it's more than that too. I just can't handle it.

It also really sucks having no friends. I always have Cobair, but obviously her and Zack are constantly together and I'm not really up for third-wheeling all the time. She has been pretty good about making some time for just me every once in awhile though, and I don't think she quite realizes how much that means.

Then theres Alicia, but she's always with stupid Davis and Michelle, both of whom I hate. She's really not doing well and I hate it... It makes it really hard to be around her when I know she's lying to me about everything. I just wish she wouldn't give up her life and future for dumb assholes who always leave her heartbroken anyways. But like I always say, no one can be save unless they want to. She doesn't want to. I've tried so hard for years, but she won't let me help her.

There's a couple other people, but no one I really care to be with. None of them are you. They don't really act like true friends when it comes down to it either, so it's just not really worth it. It sucks being alone, but I think I'm getting used to it.

I think it's pretty obvious, but in case you're being dumb like you sometimes are haha, I want you to know I miss you. A lot. I truly hope you're doing well and that you're happy. And if not, I hope you get there real soon.

I don't know if you even read these, a part of me really hopes you don't, while the other part of me sort of hopes you do... But it really doesn't matter too much either way I s'pose. I just like feeling like I'm talking to you.

It goes without saying, but I'd like to say it anyways; I love you darling. Stay wonderful and be happy.

Perfect

Just once I want to be good enough for someone. Whether it's my parents, other relatives, friends, guys I date, just anyone. It would just be nice to feel like - at least once - I'm not constantly letting everyone down. I'm sick of being me not being enough. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. Trust me, I wish I was. I carve that word into my skin over and over again hoping that maybe it will make me perfect somehow. But it doesn't. It just makes me ugly. I want so badly for people to realize that I have good intentions and that I really do try. But they don't. And even if they do it's not enough. Nothing is ever enough.

My prayer to you God is just to send me one person. Send me one person who I will be good enough for. Who doesn't expect so much of me and won't always end up let down. Send me, not just somebody who loves me no matter what, but someone who is always proud of me no matter what. Someone who knows I'm going to make mistakes, but chooses to forgive me and help me rather than get angry and disappointed. I just need one... Just one person who knows I will never be perfect and doesn't expect that of me. Someone who loves me anyways. Send me someone who I can be good enough for. Amen.

Dangerous

I'm getting bad again. Real bad. I don't trust myself. I'm scared of what I might do. I'm feeling dangerous. How far can a full tank of gas take you? No. I can't do that again. But I want to... And it's so tempting. But where would I go? I guess that's the beauty of it. I'll go wherever the road takes me. It sounds so nice... But they'd catch me again. They'd clip my wings so I couldn't leave anymore. They'd throw me back in therapy. I don't want to go back. But I'm not okay. I can't do life, I wasn't made right. And I've been told over and over again that the other option is selfish... But maybe it's my turn to be selfish. I'm feeling dangerous.