Fooled

Here's the thing...
I'm doing fine without you. I don't even miss you too much! I smile and I laugh everyday. I don't cry and I don't think about you too often. I think I'm doing better off even than I was when I was with you, I think this was good for me. I really don't need you like I thought I did... Do I have you fooled?

I seem to have everyone else tricked. But you do know me quite well... You could always tell I was upset, even when I was trying to hide it. Always caught me when I was not quite telling the truth, when I wasn't quite okay like I'd try to make you believe. I'd like to think you know I'm faking... But do you? Is it obvious, even now? I wonder if you've forgotten. See I think I must be pretty good at this, acting and such, because I have even the people who know me best deceived. They don't see the sadness in my eyes, they see the false smile I tend to put on in these times. They don't hear me cry, they hear that empty sound they call laughter. They don't sense my pain, they sense the happiness that really isn't anywhere to be found now. Sometimes I wonder if they only perceive the things they want... I think they must. That's how people are I've decided. As individuals, we are rather ignorant. We like to only see select things - whether it's the good or the bad. I think you want to believe that I'm happy without you, because you have a mind like mine. We tend to almost want the things that hurt us and make us upset. The life of a pessimist I suppose... But you should know better. You should know by now that I need you. Do you?

Thing is...
I'm not doing okay without you. I miss you more than I could ever explain! My smile is insincere and my laughter hollow. I cry all the time and I think about you constantly. I'm so lost without you, this was the worst thing that could have happened. I need you more than I ever even realized... Did I have you fooled?

"If you believed when I said I'd be better off without you, then you never really knew me at all. If you believed when I said that I wouldn't be thinking about you, you thought you knew the truth but you're wrong."

Forgotten, Not Forgiven

Here's the thing...
I messed up. Big time. I don't want to try to work it out, because I don't want to have to even tell you. I'm scared... I'm scared that you'll be upset and I'm scared it will hurt you. I'm scared that you'll give up and I'm scared you'll walk away. But most of all, I'm scared you won't... I'm scared you'll forgive me and I'm scared you'll choose to stay. And that would be the worst thing of all - because I know I don't deserve it, and I know I don't deserve you.


"There is nothing left to say to you that you wanna hear, that you wanna know. I think I should go - the things I've done are way to shameful..."

"It was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time - didn't I my dear? Didn't I my dear..."

"You do not know how much this hurts me to say these things that I don't want to say, but have to say them anyway. I would do anything to end your suffering."


Thing is...
I don't believe it's as big of a deal as I feel like it is, as I'm making it out to be. The problem is what if it happens again? What if I do something worse? I don't ever want to hurt you. But thing is I just don't know how not to...


"Promise me you'll forget me," she said as she walked away, "Don't hold on, please... Let go of me. You make it so hard to leave."

"I told you not to fall in love with me."


You can do better. We both know that, and so does everybody else. Please do... Please never settle for less than you are capable of, because you are capable of incredible things. You deserve someone great - someone so much greater than me. Find her and be happy. I love you.

Do You Know Who You Are?

Here's the thing...
I'm addicted to you. I have been ever since we first met, and I don't think I'll ever be rid of you. I crave you - even when I know it's not healthy, when I know you're no good for me. I can't get enough. I want to be done - I do. But I just can't. No matter where I go, I cannot escape your grasp on my mind, my body, my heart and my soul.... Always haunting me. Always there. But you already know all this, don't you?

I dreamt of you again last night. I do all the time you know... It's somewhere in between my worst dreams and a kind of wonderful nightmare. I hate it. I hate you. I want nothing more than to let you go and move on, but every time I feel like I have - you come back to find me. You can't leave me be, can you? I rarely ever dream, you knew that. But it's almost like you found a way to use that against me. Now... Now, I dream quite often... Always of you. I scream and I cry wanting to get away, trying not to let you hurt me again, but I can't. I can't find it in myself to be happy without you. Even though I know how much easier life would be... I just can't seem to rid my mind of you and all the wonderful things about you. That feeling you give me... It's really not fair you know, because I have always been amazing for you. I am the best I've ever been and ever will be with you; you make me that way. You make me the happiest I've ever been, make me feel like I could fly. But you've been terrible to me, every time. You start out making me so very happy, but then when I start to trust you again - start believe it could work this time... You break me down. Bringing me to my lowest. To a point where I make crying a part of my daily routine. To a point where I don't think I'll ever get back up again. Always making me feel like I'm not, and never was, good enough. You make me feel like a whore. Like everything I've done before or after you is wrong. You take me to a place where sleep becomes my worst enemy, because I know that's where you'll find me. I lay awake at night and shake at the thought of seeing you and falling back into those memories in my dreams, or nightmares rather. Why can't you leave me be? Why can't I let you go? I have to get away, have to be free. Haven't I?

Thing is...
You play all these sick games with me, but I need you. From top to bottom - you're what I'm made of. Every bit of me is filled with you. I need you to simply survive. I hate you because of what you've done to me in the past, but it only has to go right one time... Doesn't it? It may not have worked out with us before, because you've never fully given yourself over to me, I've never felt the full extent of what you are and how you can make me feel. But I suppose that maybe you're trying to teach me something... I think you are. With everyone that you've brought with you, everyone you've accompanied into my life - I've learnt a lesson. You are a good teacher, you know. A cruel, bitter one. But a good one, nonetheless. I owe most all of my memories to you. Both happy and sad, the best and the worst. And I think I must thank you for that. I believe one day.... One day we will find our place in this world, you and I. But you already know all this, don't you?



Do you know who you are?

Such a simple name, for something so complex. Just four letters, for so many emotions and feelings.
You are Love. But you already know all this, don't you?

Awaiting

Here's the thing...
I simply cannot stop thinking about you. I miss you an awful lot, and I often wonder if you miss me as well? Missing me as much as I miss you would be impossible you see, but... You DO miss me... Don't you? I suppose missing you is natural. Think of all the wonderful things there are to miss! Things... Things like this -

Until I see him again, here will I await. Await for his embrace. Await for his playful laughter filling my ears and hands squeezing mine tight. Await the chance I get to hold his pinky in my small hands, making me feel vulnerable - like a child, yet safe and secure. Protected. Await hearing that voice, so soothing and melodic, telling me all sorts of fine things - like I imagine they do in the books and movies. Await being held in his arms with the scent of him making me feel at home again. Await for his warm, soft lips to press against mine, ever so sweetly; always leaving me a bit out of breath. Await to see that smile which makes me melt and leaves me speechless, along with that face which fills me to the brim with warmth and happiness - just like a nice blanket and a hot cup of apple cider in the dead of winter. Here will I await to once again hear that heart which I know beats for me, as does mine for him. (Like those fancy new pillows they have!) And when I see that boy again - that boy who is my world, that boy who holds my fragile heart in his gentle hands - I will be done awaiting. For he will be here... And we will be happy together and do all sorts of wonderful things worth doing, and perhaps some not. It will be perfect, because every moment spent with him is. But until that time, here I will stay; awaiting that day. Simply awaiting.

Thing is...
I'm here. Awaiting. Where are you? Won't you come home to me... Isn't it time? Every second away from you is much too long. I don't like being away from you at all. I need you now. But that should really come as no surprise, because I need you always. Are you ready now? I'm here. Awaiting. Where are you? Won't you come home to me...

I Was Just Thinking

So here's the thing...
I've recently been pressured into starting a blog because of my supposed "writing skills". Let me assure you - they are non-existent. But in reality, that's not what blogs are for. Talented writers, I mean. They are for anyone and everyone. They are for expressing feelings, sharing thoughts and ideas, showing the world what really goes on inside that head of yours, and mostly? For whatever you want them to be. A blog, in its own way, is how we wear our hearts on our sleeves. We let the world see a vulnerable side of us that we don't always show. Our deepest thoughts, inner-most feelings, strange views and hidden experiences go on to a place like this. A place where we can be known, yet unknown. Where we can open up, without risking too much. We share with the world who we really are, in hopes that we will be accepted and that people will relate to and possibly learn from us. Thinking about all this has given me the desire to, yes, start my own blog - despite my unqualified experience.

Thing is...
This is my blog. This is who I am. And I'm ready to show you.