I search for a sign of you. Anywhere, everywhere. Telling me things can be different. But I will never find that, because you don't believe it, do you? No, I'm afraid not.
I do see you everywhere though. I go to play with Sadie in her room, but it's hard when I see you sitting there with me. Being so unbelievably cute with her. So I play for a minute, but then I go to watch tv.
I see you sitting next to me on the couch 100 different times, 100 different ways, 100 different movies or tv shows. So I turn around and walk back out.
I see you and Zack sitting on the counter laughing and talking, occasionally looking over at me and Cobair dancing around the room like that night would never end. But it did, as all nights do. Like we did. And I suppose as everything does.
I go sit in the living room, next to the piano, and wait for you to start playing. I wait and wait, and I can almost hear it! So close... But then it's gone. Never truly there. Another one of the cruel tricks of my mind.
I go in the kitchen to try and eat something, but I remember the time you were so impatient to get out of there. You ate a piece of cheese and I ate a pickle in return. Then I tried to get you to eat that 'peanut butter' and you wouldn't, which I still think was a big mistake on your part! We blasted "Your Song" and both sang along. I can't go in there now, I can't eat.
Anytime one of my siblings invites me to get in the hot tub I say no, 'cause I remember that too. Remember how I lost my gum? Haha I still never found it... That was the first time I ever kissed someone under water. Let's be honest, it was weird. But now I can check it off my bucket list! At the time I was really glad it was with you, but now I'm not so sure. Because now I can never do that with anyone else, that's always yours. And now when people makes jokes about doing it, it will just hurt.
So I get in my car and go for a drive, trying to get lost, trying to get away. I think of the time I let you drive and watched from the passenger seat, clenching my fists and holding my breath. Did I not trust you? I don't know. I always thought I did... But maybe not. And maybe you didn't trust me either? Maybe that was the problem...
I come back home, because even everywhere I drive, memories of you follow. They find me every place I go. I envy you and how you can get so far away. Everywhere you are, my memory has left untainted. I can't even walk around my own damn house without memories of you everywhere. I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try. There is at least one memory seemingly everywhere I can go.
I go lay in my bed, but that hurts worst of all. Because there lay the memories I've started to regret. Things I wish I'd never let you do, things I wish I'd never let you see... But it doesn't matter now, because I did. Now there's really nothing I can do except wish... And I'll be the first one to tell you now that wishing does nothing. It's empty. Like a promise left unkept.
My family is talking about going up to Bear Lake for Christmas, but I don't think I'll be able to handle that. You are the only guy I have ever taken up there... I can't imagine how that is going to hurt. Even my home away from home is painted with all the memories of you.
The only place I can find left untainted, untouched by you, is Challis's room. So I go in there sometimes. I lay on his bed to escape. But it's getting harder and harder, because now that room is almost filled the most. I've taken all of the memories in there with me. They're written all over the walls, hiding under the bed, painted on the ceiling, covering the floor, spilling out of the closet. More constantly come flying through the door and creeping in the window every time I'm there. So now when I go in there, I just cry. I keep the door closed, so none will escape while I'm gone. Because a part of me doesn't want them to go... So there they stay. But I shut that room up tight, and I shun it. I stay away for as long as I can. Then when everything gets to be too much, I go there and immerse myself in everything. I cry and I miss you. But once I go out, I leave it all behind. It stays in there like my dark little secret. And there I'm afraid, it will always stay.
You always thought I never let you in enough, but do you realize now? I let you in more than I ever have anybody, in my entire life. I took you all the places that I loved, introduced you to all the people who meant the most to me, shared my sacred memories and secret stories with you, and showed you all the things that make me, me. I let you drive my car for heavens sake! I think you thought I was joking or something, but I don't let people drive my car. Ever. You don't understand how big a lot of the things I told/showed/let you do meant. You thought I didn't let you in enough, but evidently, I let you in way too much. I let all my walls down, just like you knew I would. I gave you my heart, just like you knew I would. And now you're walking away, just like I knew you would... You promised me forever, and I truly thought you meant it. Maybe you did at some point. But things change. People change... I guess I can't be upset with you for that.
I think you're right when you say you tried to convince yourself of something. I think you tried to convince yourself, like you convinced me, that you loved me. I think you wanted to, but I don't think you ever really did. And that's okay... Because I always knew you never could. I'm not upset with you. I mean, there's a small part of me that is when I get angry, but I know deep down I'm not upset with you. I'm only upset with myself and the situation. Just know that. I don't hate you, I love you. Don't forget it please. Because even when I get angry, it will never change. I might start to build up those cold, hard stone walls again, and then you might start to think I feel differently. But know that inside of all of those walls is my heart, loving and missing you. Always.
Well you've made your choice, you've said goodbye. I won't fight you on that. My heart is begging me to, but I won't. Not because I don't want to, but because I once heard that "If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; If they don't, they never were." When this first happened, I thought we would fix it pretty quickly. But we didn't. Then the quote came to my mind, "It's not that we're not meant to be together, maybe we're just not ready for forever." But I'm not sure now that that's right either... I wish, but as previously stated, wishing does nothing. I think now that you probably won't come back. I don't think you were ever really mine. My heart whispers I'm wrong, but my head knows I'm right. Just know this isn't the way I wanted it, but I will respect your decision and be happy for you. Just don't forget me my uh-oh oreo, and remember that I'm always here waiting.
You've said your goodbyes, so now I'll say mine. Thank you for the memories. They hurt now, a lot... And part of me doesn't want them. You always made me promise that no matter what happened, I would never forget you. It was easy to make that promise when I didn't think you'd ever be gone. It's harder now to not want to... But it doesn't matter, because like I always said, I never could forget you even if I tried. And someday, I'm sure, these memories will make me happy. Someday I will look back on them and laugh and smile. And one thing I know for sure is that I will learn from them. So, thank you. Thank you for the laughs and smiles. Thank you for the hugs and kisses. Thank you for the music. Thank you for treating me well. Thank you for all the wonderful things. I love you so much, I cannot even begin to express it to you. I won't try either, because it doesn't matter much now. But just know. Know that I love you, to the moon and back. Goodbye my darling.
So did they? Did they both live happily ever after? Of course. Not now, not tomorrow, and to her dismay, not together. But someday, somehow, with someone - They lived happily ever after. The end.
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