Red

It's been a long time since I've really thought about you. Not just had you cross my mind - because that's constant - but actually stopped and let myself think about you.

It's been happening more and more lately, because it always does when things start going downhill. When my depression or anorexia/bulimia or cutting gets bad, I remember how you were pretty much the only one who could help me. The only one who knew it all. So I've been letting you slip into my mind more and more, and not pushing you out.

I was reminiscing about that Valentine's Day... I remember feeling so bad, because I didn't get you anything. You walked in with that big red stuffed bear, holding a single red rose and a box of red skittles. I ran up to you, threw my arms around you and kissed you. Jessica was right there and she laughed, saying she told him I would like a single rose better than a bouquet. She always did like you when we were together... More than most (or maybe all) of the guys I've dated. She hates you now though. I can't even say your name without her getting upset.

Remember how when we first met, you told Rachel you wouldn't beat up anybody for her, but then I asked you if you would for me and you immediately said "of course"? I can still hear you saying it in my head the way you always did...

Do you remember when I slept over at your house? That was such a long night. You were so good about never letting things go to far. I don't know how you did it! You would think that out of all the guys I've dated/kissed, we would've gone the farthest. But we didn't even do anything... Funny how things work. Later that night I was throwing up and you took care of me. Then even later on, you got a migraine and I took care of you. Remember that?

Remember how I used to find shapes and things in the ceiling? You never could see them. You would always laugh at me. Ohh god I miss you're laugh... The way you would laugh and say, "Chelsi, you're so cute! Awhh." I can hear it all perfectly.

Remember the poem I wrote for you? It's still one of my favorites. I've never let anybody read/hear it but you. Do you remember? So many memories, just for one person. All so bittersweet (a couple just bitter)... I hope you remember.

I always wonder if you ever think about me. There are certain guys I know don't think about me anymore, and certain guys I know still do. But I never know with you... For all I know you could have completely forgotten me because of all the drugs. Or at least got our story all twisted like you always did. I'm all wrong inside your head, aren't I? I wish you could remember like I do, but I know you don't.

So tonight, I will sleep with that big red stuffed bear and dream of you again, like I always do when I don't stop myself from thinking of you. I will probably wake up crying, but it will be worth it. Because in my dreams, at least for those few short hours, everything is right again. We're together and you're sober and we're happy. My family still loves you and yours me of course. You sing to me and play the guitar. You hold my hand when you drive and you're wearing your favorite hat like always. You kiss me and it is the sweetest kiss I've ever had. You love me again and I will always love you...

So tonight, dream of me too my love. Remember all these things. Remember us, if only just for tonight. Remember me.


"And when you close your tired eyes, I'll meet you there."