My Darling,

Today was really hard. I almost went to church today just to see you, but I knew that wasn't a good idea. Plus I had a farewell later so I was already going to church. Before all this happened I was going to see if you wanted to come with me, so that was hard too... I got to sleep in though! Which you know I love. And it's especially nice now, because the less time I spend awake, the less I feel.

A couple of my friends at the farewell asked about you (not knowing what happened) and it was really awkward. I couldn't talk without crying. Thank God Jessica was there to explain so I didn't have to... She's been a huge help with all of this. Always is. I don't know what I'd do without her! You know how close we are. But anyways... When people weren't asking about you I was able to push you to the back of my mind for a bit, and to be honest? It was nice! Thinking about you constantly drains me to the point where I can't take it anymore and I breakdown. I HAVE to push you out for bits at a time or I lose it. It's hard though, and you don't stay away for long...

Anyways, I hadn't seen some of those people in a really long time so that was fun. I talked to Cameron again! We've been talking more and more often and it's kind of nice. I didn't realize how much I missed him. He was my only and best friend at school for a year, so it was tough on me losing him. I can tell he stills feels bad about what happened, so things are still awkward between us... But it's nice to see him and hear how well he's doing! Karly showed up though, and that just immediately pissed me off. She started trying to talk to me and I just wanted to slap her haha. Ughh Dolly was there too and she kept giving me the dirtiest looks and whispering about me. I don't know if you remember who any of them are, but I've told you about them before. I'm just so glad they all left and I don't have to deal with them at school anymore. It was nice to talk music with Ben for awhile, but Ellie kept being annoying like she always is. Overall I'm glad I went though (:

After that Jess and I drove up to get Chaz. It was his birthday today! Freaking 21. So crazy... He was super excited to see us and to come home and see everyone else (and of course he asked about you too). We had a party with all the extended family for him (: It was really fun and good to see everyone - but once again - my whole family kept asking about you. I can't stress how grateful I am that Jessica has been there for literally every person that has asked, because if I open my mouth there is no stopping it. The tears just pour. It's really embarrassing... Especially when my grandma was asking about it. She didn't seem to be getting the hint either and just kept asking questions/talking about it. It was really awful... Thankfully my mom noticed and stepped in.

Eventually everyone left and there was finally some peace! (At least as peaceful as it ever gets at my house). Challis stayed for a little bit and then my dad took him back. It was really nice to hang out with him for a bit. He is looking healthier than he has in as long as I can remember. I'm so proud of him! You knew how hard things with him were on me... And thankfully he's doing amazing right now. I hope he sticks with it.

After he left my mom, Jess and I all watched the new Once Upon A Time! It was way intense. I still think you'd love it. It reminded me of all the movies/shows we said we'd watch that we never did... I hope maybe someday we get the chance. I suppose only time will tell.

I asked Zack to find out when you left for me, and when he told me you already had, that you left without saying goodbye... I was heartbroken (if that's even still possible). I understood though. I just had wanted to talk to you so badly and considered coming down to your house, but it was too late. I missed my opportunity. Fate? I don't know. Perhaps.

I've been on all my social networking sites all throughout the day, as I'm sure you've noticed, and that's been hard as well. Everything I see, all the posts/tweets I read remind me of you in some little way. Whether its something I think you'd laugh at, or some cute love quote (or all the sad, depressing ones for that matter), or really just anything - I find some way to relate it back to you. It's also really hard seeing things you tweet/favorite, because I just never know. Are they for me? What did you mean by them? I probably just read too much into it all, but it's hard thinking they might not be for me or that they are, but in a bad way. *Sighs* I don't know. Whatever. I also saw the post that girl tagged you in on Facebook, which was probably the hardest of all... Seeing all those people that get to be with you when I can't. Seeing them make you happy like I don't. Seeing that you were with that dumb girl... It hurts and it was just really hard. It's all hard. Everything is just so damn hard... I'm happy for you though, despite what it may seem. It hurts me, but I do want you to be happy and have fun. I just wish it was with me...

I almost called you today, multiple times. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. I don't know if you want to hear from me, I wouldn't if I were you. And there's a part of me that's still angry... A part of me that still believes all the things I said before. And that part won't let me come back. It won't let me risk the hurt again. It can't take anymore of being "comedic relief." So I'm torn. I don't know how I feel about you and I don't know how you feel about me. There's a part of me that's saying "Of course he loves you! He said he did, right? Trust him. He means it. He cares about you." But those voices are drowned out by stronger ones. I try to push them out sweetheart, but I can't. And I'm so worried they're right... "You're ugly. You're fat. You're worthless. He never loved you. He never could love you. No one could ever love you." Those voices suffocate me, and I can't find the words I would say or the breath I would use to talk to you. So I don't. I get on Facebook instead. I tweet something sad. I pin depressing things. I listen to Red by Taylor Swift, which is perfect for me right now. I edit a picture or two. I do all these things until I forget that desire of wanting to talk to you and make things right. I let the voices in and they crush my fragile strength. I become angry again and I become upset with you. I hate it, but I'm not strong enough to find another way.

I just don't know what to believe... Those voices, they're being quiet right now. I'm fighting real hard against them. I want to believe you love me. And for a moment... Maybe I do. But even in saying that they grow stronger. "You're giving in" they say, "Do you want to look like a fool again? He does not love you. He never did. He never could. No one loves you."

So now, as I lay in my ('freaking tiny') bed writing to you, I am torn. Torn between two me's and two you's. I don't know who I am and I don't know who you are. I don't know how to feel or what to believe. I'm just so torn and faded, like an old book. No wonder it's so hard to figure out. Too torn and faded to read anymore... Maybe someday I'll figure all this out. But for now, I think that is all I have to say to you.

I don't know if you even read these anymore, but it doesn't really matter. Writing to you helps me cope, regardless of whether or not you actually see it. I hope you're happy and I hope you know I love you. I miss you so much.

With all of my love,

Your Princess - Chelsi James<3